Call and Answer
by Adarian
Summary: Already having a dysfunctional relationship, Hawke and Anders find their relationship utterly falling apart after the birth of their child. Written for a kink-meme request.
1. Part One

Hawke waited outside the clinic, pacing back and forth. She felt like she was going to throw up, but she tried to keep it together. In a few more minutes, she would tell him, and then she could plan from there. It wouldn't be so bad. He loved her. She knew that. They would make things work, no matter what happened.

She jumped when he finally opened his door, smiling at her.

"Come on in," he said, waving her inside, "I've got a few minutes."

"Anders," she said, hesitating, "There's something I have to-"

He sat down in his worn chair, sighing, "I've been on my feet all day, love. I'm so glad you're here. It's just nice to have someone here who doesn't need me to lance a boil or something."

Hawke normally would have come to sit in his lap, despite his bony frame digging into her hips and legs. She loved those moments of vulnerability, of being completely encased by the man she loved.

But she didn't trust his reaction and remained standing.

"Anders," she said calmly as she could, "Anders, I'm pregnant."

Anders chuckled, "Sure you are. And I saw a griffon this afternoon with a thorn in its paw. Come on, let's go get something to eat."

He rose, making his way to his tiny kitchen.

"I'm serious," she said firmly, "I'm six weeks late."

Anders turned slowly back to her and asked quietly, "Whose is it?"

"What?" Hawke asked in surprise, "Yours, of course. Who else could it possibly be?"

Anders growled, "I'm a Grey Warden. We can't have children. So you tell me. Who's is it?"

Hawke whispered, "Anders...I've only been with you these past two years. You know that. I would never...it's possible, isn't it? We're both healers, we're both mages. This is a miracle, Anders. Why don't you trust me?"

Anders' eyes flashed blue for a moment before he regained control.

"This wasn't part of the plan, love," Anders murmured.

"I know," she said softly, "I'm terrified and I just...please. I know this isn't what you wanted, but I need you right now. I love you. I just need you to love me back."

"Of course I love you," Anders said, wrapping his arms around her. She buried her face in his hair, smelling his musk, the sweat.

"What can I do?" He asked, "Do you want to keep it?"

Hawke bit her lip before nodding.

Anders kissed her on the forehead before he pulled away.

"Move in with me," she said gently, "I'll need your help and you'll be safer at my home anyways. You can use the tunnel back and forth. Please...please, my love."

"I don't know if I can be a father," he admitted, "This isn't what I wanted-"

"It's harder to be a martyr then, isn't it?" Hawke laughed darkly, "Now you won't just be running out on me into the middle of the night, but your unborn child. Now you won't look like a saint, but an asshole."

"I'm trying to make a better life for both of us," Anders snarled in return, "What do you think that child has to look forward to? He'll most likely be a mage like us, with two apostates for parents. He'll spend his entire life running from the Circle unless there are people like me to fight for him."

They both caught their breath, staring intently at the other. He kissed her suddenly and she melted into his touch.

"I'm sorry," he whispered between kisses, "I'm sorry. I'll try, love. I'll do anything for you. You know that. I love you, I love you so much."

In that moment, Hawke believed him.

oOoOo

"Where is he?" Hawke cried, Aveline pinning her down.

Isabela said firmly, "You're going to have to do this without him, Hawke. Merrill and I are both here, we can deliver this baby. I've delivered at least ten myself and if Merrill doesn't pass out, she can help."

"Ten?" Aveline asked in surprise.

"People get busy on pirate ships," Isabela retorted, "Come on now, Hawke. I need you to focus on me. Listen to me. I need you to breathe. Can you do that?"

Hawke took a deep breath, squeezing Aveline's hand as she cried.

She listened to Isabela's commands, feeling the pirate move her hands lower in order to help catch her child as they slipped into the world. Isabela brought them to her chest, wrapping a blanket around them both.

The baby was still covered in blood, but its cry was the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. She laughed and cried, holding the child to her chest, kissing its head. She felt the three women come around her, touching her arms and legs soothingly.

In that moment, she forgot that Anders even existed. All that mattered to her was that tiny bundle in her arms.

"What will you call her?" Merrill asked.

Hawke smiled, "It's a girl?"

Hawke smelled the top of her baby's head, holding her to her.

"I don't know yet," she admitted, "I thought I was having a boy. I guess that whole thing about carrying higher or lower is nonsense."

"I told you," Aveline reminded.

Hawke laughed, feeling utterly loved.

oOoOo

Hawke woke in the night, the child sleeping in a crib beside her. She could hear Isabela's voice from downstairs. She heard someone run up the stairs and she looked blearily as the door opened, a candle lighting the room.

Anders stood frozen, seeing Hawke lift the baby into her arms as she cried. She tried to smile, too exhausted for anything more. Anders walked to her side, taking the baby into his trembling arms.

"What did you call her?" He asked.

"I thought I'd check with you first."

Anders said softly, "Nienor. I read that in a book once in the Circle. I always liked it."

"What does it mean?" She asked.

Anders chuckled, "I don't remember."

He laid the child back in the crib, now fallen asleep again. He kicked off his boots and laid beside Hawke in the bed, kissing her forehead. They fell asleep, their fingers entwined.

oOoOo

Nienor was three days old when Anders disappeared. Hawke was exhausted, pacing around the estate, too weak to go out to find him. For a week, she thought he was dead. She was aching and felt like death itself. She was amazingly in love with her child, but it didn't mean she wasn't incredibly pissed off at her.

Isabela had been a Godsend, taking care of them both in that time. After two days, Aveline had tried to track him down, but had lost the trail.

Seven days after he had disappeared, Anders came back through the front door as if he had just stepped out.

Hawke threw herself at him, crying as she pounded on his chest.

"I thought you were dead, you son of a bitch," she screamed, "Where the shit have you been?"

"I had an assignment from the Underground, it had to be done right away."

"You couldn't have given it to someone else?"

"There is no one else!" Anders shouted.

Hawke started crying, "Then why didn't you just tell me? I thought I lost you. I thought I was never going to see you again."

He held her as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"I was trying to protect you," he whispered, kissing her forehead, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea I would be gone for so long. If I had written to you, I would have only endangered you both. Please, please forgive me."

Hawke heard Nienor crying from upstairs and groaned in exhaustion. Anders left her side, climbing up the stairs. She followed tiredly, pausing as she saw him pick her out of the crib, holding her in his arms. She stopped crying, reaching out to touch his finger. He smiled, tucking his hair behind his ear. He rocked her, humming a song Hawke had never heard before.

She reached his side, holding him around his waist.

"I'm trying," he whispered, "I'm really trying."

Hawke murmured wearily, "Try harder."

oOoOo

Nienor was three months old the first time Hawke heard her laugh. Hawke absolutely beamed, tickling the bottom of her tiny feet. Nienor giggled in response. Hawke picked her up, wanting to show Anders.

She found him upstairs in his study, writing furiously, his face gaunt. He smiled wearily as Nienor laughed again, patting her absentmindedly on the cheek. He didn't throw them out, but simply patiently waited until they left.

She wished suddenly she could speak to her mother, now gone all these years. She wished she could have asked her what it was like when she was little, if her father had adjusted to being a father so soon. She remembered being about four, her father laughing hard as he carried her on his shoulders, her arms out as she pretended to be a dragon.

She tried to think of what her mother would say to her then. She had a memory of her mother in her rocking chair back in Lothering, advising a friend who was having trouble getting pregnant. Hawke had been hiding in the corridor, just fifteen years old, and hoping to try to sneak out of the house to meet a boyfriend in the barn.

Leandra had patted this friend on the knee and had said, "Marianne, you're not going to fix this by having a baby. Everyone thinks that if they have a baby, it fixes everything. People will fall back in love, get their lives together. But the truth is, it's the hardest thing you'll ever go through. It doesn't make relationships better. It makes them worse. It's when you're truly tested as a couple. If things weren't well before, they're going to absolutely fall apart."

The woman had started crying and in the distraction, Hawke had run out of the house, paying little attention to the scene. But lately, Hawke had been playing over so much that her mother had said over the years, hoping to understand her better now that she was gone.

The baby babbled happily and Hawke held her close, kissing the top of her head.

She reassured herself. Anders was here. He hadn't gone off on any suicide missions, hadn't disappeared. He had moved in, ate meals, even got up in the night to take care of his daughter. Things were getting better. He hadn't stopped trying.

oOoOo

Hawke had her baby strapped to her front when she ran out between Meredith and Orsino. Nienor had started crying at the sound of her mother's angry shouting, punctuating the silence as the pair stared each other off.

Merrill had gently pulled her back into the crowd, stroking her back.

"We should get the wee one home before you start fighting in the streets," she said teasingly, "She's not quite the warrior you are yet."

"It's starting, isn't it?" Hawke whispered, "The beginning of the end."

"Don't say that," Merrill replied, "There's still hope. There are people like you in this city. People who care, people who want peace. My people have a story about the brightest star in the sky, the one that never falters. It is said that even in the darkest night, there is still everlasting light."

As they reached the Estate, Hawke said quietly, "If something happens to me, take Nina. Get out of the city, go back to the Dalish, they'll keep you both safe. Promise me, please. You're the only one who will know what it's like as a mage. I know you'll protect her in the days to come."

Merrill hesitated and said gently, "I don't think Anders would approve."

Hawke said angrily, "I don't care."

Merrill nodded sadly, "Okay."

She entered the house, kissing Merrill on the cheek before she left. She froze, seeing Anders pace in front of the fireplace.

"Are you alright?" She asked.

"I heard what you said," he said nervously, "You're right, things need to change in this city. It's not safe anymore."

"I agree," she sighed, "I think we need to get out of Kirkwall. I'll get Varric to sell the Estate and we'll go back to Ferelden. Maybe we'll buy a little place in the south. I just don't want to stay here, Anders, it's not safe anymore."

Anders replied angrily, "Now you want to leave? You told me yourself that it's time for revolution. You may have stopped them killing each other today, but what about tomorrow or the day after? This city is on the brink of tearing itself apart. It needs us."

"Anders," she hissed, "Hold on."

She unstrapped the child and handed her to Bodahn, who carried her into the nursery. Once the door was closed, she met Anders' glare, the blue flickering in his eyes.

"Of course it does," she shouted, "Of course, there's no one else who could ever possibly take over. It has to be you in charge of everything. You have to be the big savior of all the mages. Justice won't let you be anything else. Not a lover nor a father, just this vindictive force. Is this why you're never here, Anders? Am I distracting you too much from your big noble goal?"

"I'm here," he retorted, "I live here. I sleep beside you every night. I love you. I'm fighting to protect you and our daughter. You used to fight beside me, but all you care about is us. You don't see the big picture anymore, you don't see what's worth fighting for, you're being selfish."

"I'm selfish?" She accused, "You weren't even here when she was born. You left me to go through the most painful thing I ever experienced alone. You were there in the square today and you didn't protect us. You just left."

"I didn't want to be a father," he hissed, "You knew that. It doesn't mean I don't love her, but dedicated myself to this struggle first. I can't have any distractions. Not even the two of you."

She slapped him across the face before she could stop herself. He kissed her angrily, pushing her up against the wall. He hesitated before she kissed him in return, tearing at his robes. His cock sprung free and he pushed up her skirt, tearing her underclothes from her.

She cried out as he entered her roughly, thrusting hard and fast. She held onto his neck, crying, whispering, "I hate you."

He stopped, pulling from her. She grabbed him, pulling him back to her. He kissed her, crying as he pushed back into her. She grabbed at his hair, his teeth grazing against her neck. He ripped through the bodice on her dress, his hand desperately rubbing her clit.

"Come, damn it," he groaned, "Please, please."

She bit into his shoulder, drawing blood as she came around him. His thrusts grew erratic, his fingernails digging into her ass. His knees gave out as he climaxed, pushing his hands against the wall as he tried to hold them still.

They looked into each other's eyes.

"I love you," he whispered.

Her voice broke as she whispered, "I know, but it's not enough."

"I can't do this," he murmured, pulling from her, "I tried...I tried so damn hard, but I can't. There are things I need to do...things I can't do if I stay here."

"When this is all over," she asked fearfully, "Will you come back? We love each other. I love you so much. When I look at her, I see you. I see your eyes and your smile and I hear your laugh. I see all these pieces of you and it breaks my heart every time. Please...please, Anders. I need you."

Anders said softly, "If there had been another time or place...if I was a different man, then I would have never left you. I would have had a dozen children with you, I would have loved them all. But I'm not a different man. I think we both need to accept that."

"I read your damn book," she laughed sadly, "Tear-maiden, huh?"

"I forgot," he admitted, "I thought that was the eldest sister's name."

He cupped her face, resting his forehead against hers.

"Please don't go," she pleaded, "I know...I know if you go, you're not coming back. Whatever you're planning to do, Anders, it's not worth it. Please. Please don't leave me."

She closed her eyes before he leaned in to kiss her. It was soft, gentle, but it felt like he was already gone, like it was a ghostly imprint of his lips against hers.

She opened her eyes again and he was gone.


	2. Part Two

"Hawke, are you okay?"

Hawke folded the note from Anders in her hand, her fingers trembling. She looked over at Merrill sitting by the fire, the mabari asleep at her feet. Hawke's daughter was crawling nearby, attempting to chew on Merrill's staff.

"Would you mind watching her tonight?" Hawke asked quietly, "There's something I need to take care of. I won't be long."

Merrill smiled, "Of course. Isabela should be over soon and we'll all have dinner, won't we? We'll save Mummy something to eat too!"

Nienor allowed herself to be picked up as Merrill carried her towards the kitchen. The hound whimpered but Hawke ignored him, leaving alone into the cold winter's night.

oOoOo

Hawke hesitated before entering the clinic. She caught her breath as she saw the papers scattered across the floor, the windows rattling in the wind. She started closing them when she turned, seeing Anders crumpled on the floor, barely breathing.

She finished her task before kneeling beside him. She felt for his pulse and breath and realized he was asleep. Tenderly, she carried him into his bed and started a fire. Laying on top of the covers, she fell asleep beside him.

She woke up startled as Anders rose, tossing the blankets aside. She stood her ground as his eyes went blue. She glared until the soft brown of Anders' eyes returned.

Anders seemed shocked to see her, his face pale and thin. Before thinking, she reached out, his skin papery to her touch.

"Why are you here?" He asked hoarsely.

"I want to know what's going on," she said, taking the note out of her pocket.

"You shouldn't be here," he said, tearing the paper from her hands, "You should listen to me. There isn't much time. You have to both get out of the city. I don't need you here, Hawke. I told you-"

Before she could help herself, she slapped him across the face. He stood, startled.

"I haven't heard from you in seven months," she cried, "Seven months. I had no idea if you were alive or dead. And this is all I hear from you? A barely scratched out letter telling me to leave town? I'm asking you what's going on, Anders. You left me for a reason, fine. I want to know what you're planning. I want to know what's going to happen to you."

"It doesn't matter now," he said, his voice breaking, "It's too late. You can't save me, Hawke. But you can save her. Please...please, if you ever loved me, go. I need to know the two of you are safe."

"You do a great job of expressing that," she snapped.

"I love you," he growled as she walked into the clinic.

"And that's why you left me?" She screamed, "Because you loved me too much? I don't know what deluded fantasy you're living in, but we've been over. You...you've abandoned me, your child, and now you just want me to act like none of that's happened?"

"Of course not," he retorted, following her, "I...I never wanted to hurt you. I should never have gotten you involved...Hawke..."

Hawke paused at the threshold, letting Anders' touch her hand.

"So you think your only mistake was loving me in the first place?" She whispered.

"That's not what I meant," he murmured.

"So what did you mean?" She asked, her heart pounding in her chest.

"That I love you," he said softly, letting go of her hand, "That I'll always love you. And our daughter. I wish I could be there. I wish I could see her grow up, but I can't. There is a path that I always had to walk. I was foolish to think that I didn't have to walk it alone."

"You're not that special," Hawke whispered, pushing him away, "You're still human, Anders. You threw us away. We had something good, something real...oh, Anders...I'm so tired. I've been so lonely. Merrill and Isabela are helping as much as they can, but I miss you. I miss waking up beside you. I just wish...I just wish that you would come home. It's so stupid. I know you. You didn't even come say goodbye yourself. You just sent a note on the back of a scrapped manifesto...maybe that shouldn't have surprised me. I hoped you were doing well...but Anders, you're so thin. You look exhausted. It's not too late. I know we can't get this time back...but you could come with me. Whatever it is...it's not worth it."

The blue flared in his skin before she left, slamming the door behind her. She made it only a few feet when she felt his hand on her shoulder. He whipped her around and kissed her. She groaned into his mouth, letting him lead her back into the clinic. They fell to the ground together, hungrily kissing as they tore at each other's clothes.

"Will Justice let you?" She sniped, biting his ear.

"I'm still human," he whispered.

She moaned as his sex met hers, the mere touch of him enough to arouse her after months apart. He hoisted her legs around him, driving into her. They kissed desperately and he pinned her arms to the ground.

She grunted before opening her eyes and meeting his. They both paused, resting their forehead against the others.

"What does this mean?" Hawke murmured.

Anders' face fell as he cupped her face. She started crying before she kissed him. They moved together again, slowly, their hands entwined.

"I still love you," she whispered, "I wish I could hate you, but I just..."

He held her to him as he came, biting his lip. She let him hold her, resting her face in his hair. She sniffed back her tears, not wanting to let go. This was the end. When he let go, he would be gone. Forever this time. Months of waiting to see him again, months of waiting for him to beg her to take him back...all had resulted in this final moment.

It took all her strength to dress, not looking at him. She couldn't bring herself to touch him again and she merely stood by the door, looking at him as he looked passively back at her.

She laughed sadly, "There's nothing I could have said, was there? All this pining for you...it was all a waste of time. Enjoy your glorious death, Anders. I hope it's everything you wanted."

When she slammed the door this time, he did not come after her.

She stumbled home through the tunnels, finding her family waiting for her at dinner. She sat through the meal, smiling as best she could for Nina, who was happy to have her three Mamas all together. Once the child was down for the night, Hawke called her two friends into her study.

"I saw Anders tonight," she said quietly.

Isabela said angrily, "I hope you gave him a good staff to the groin."

Hawke said, "He wanted to warn me. There's some plan in the mage underground...the city will be at war. Very soon. Maybe a few months at the most. We need to start preparing. I...I would have been lost without the two of you helping me. It's been...absurd, really, how awful everything has been...everything's just falling apart."

She realized Merrill was holding her and she softened into her touch, letting the elf run her fingers through her hair.

Merrill asked soothingly, "What do you need us to do?"

Hawke touched her arm and said quietly, "I need you to take my daughter. If I go with her...it'll only attract suspicion. I have 50 sovereigns in coin. You'll go to Ferelden. Get out of the Free Marches, it won't be safe, even with the Dalish. Go to Vigil's Keep in Amaranthine. There's a Commander Nathaniel Howe there. You tell him whose child she is and he'll take care of you both, I promise."

Merrill asked, "What will I tell her?"

Hawke whispered hoarsely, "Tell her I tried."

Merrill looked to Isabela before leaving the room.

Isabela asked quietly, "Did you sleep with him?"

Hawke nodded.

"I have a tea that helps to prevent conception," Isabela said, "I'll start brewing now."

Hawke shook as she nodded. Isabela held her hand until she got to the stairs. Isabela went to the kitchens, letting Hawke walk up to the nursery herself. She paused at the door, seeing Merrill sing cheerfully to Nienor as she packed their things. She thought of Anders holding their daughter, humming to her as he rocked her to sleep.

In that moment, she fought the urge of grabbing her daughter and running, but she held her ground. She stood silently in the doorway until Isabela came to her side, mug in hand.

Hawke swirled the concoction, seeing the leaves dance before settling again. She took a sigh before she drank it down to the dregs.

Merrill grabbed their two bags, bringing them down to the back door. Isabela went with her, the two talking quietly. Hawke picked her daughter up out of her cradle, Nienor blinking up at her sleepily.

Now nearly 10 months old, Nienor was already learning to speak, her babbling filling the house with happy words like Mama and puppy. She had Hawke's dark skin and curly black hair, but her eyes were completely Anders' and her nose already seemed to have the same shape as his.

Hawke held her to her chest, trying to memorize what her daughter felt like in her arms. She smelled the top of her head, remembering the first time she held her, remembering the first time she had felt her kick inside of her.

It took everything in her to walk back down those steps. She dressed Nienor as warmly as she could, her hands trembling as she handed her over to Merrill. Isabela put her arm around Hawke, holding her upright as Merrill left.

Hawke thought she would fall apart the moment her daughter was out of sight, but she found herself still standing, her eyes dry. She found herself transfixed to the spot, only moving when Isabela pulled her away.

oOoOo

Three months later, when Hawke was called to the Gallows, she knew it was over. War was about to begin. Any moment, any instant. She knew her daughter was safe. Merrill had written her twice since arriving in Amaranthine, both fairly quick notes as Merrill was still learning how to write in Common. But it had been enough. Hawke had bought enough time, she had pushed back the war for as long as she could.

Now it was time.

The party went forth, Hawke walking first to meet the opposing forces. She could hardly understand what was happening before the Chantry exploded, too confused by seeing Anders before her once again.

He begged her to kill him. The man she loved. The father of her child. She had been so angry, felt absolutely betrayed.

But when he looked up at her, she saw the same man she had found slumped on the floor of his clinic. A shell of someone she had loved, someone who she had been in the process of losing for so long.

She found herself kneeling before him, bowing her head before she started crying, harder than she ever had before in her life, her entire chest shaking in sobs. To her surprise, she felt him hold her.

She heard the others talk about what she should do, but she only felt him. This last piece of him, clinging onto her for dear life.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "My love...I'm so sorry."

"Is it over now?" She asked, regaining control, "This is over now?"

Anders murmured, "It's never going to be over, not until every mage is free. This is how it needs to be, Hawke. I can't go with you, but you can come with me. We can fight together, side by side."

Even a few weeks before, she might have been tempted. Nienor was safer in Amaranthine then she would be anywhere else and for a chance to have Anders back, to see the remnants of him...

"You should get out of here," she said firmly, "Go. If they find you...they'll kill you. I'll try to give you as much of a head start as I can."

He rose fragilely before running.

Hawke took a deep breath before turning back to her companions, "Let's go. This city needs us."


End file.
